Miserable at Best
by DecemberL. Rose
Summary: Just my take on the summer apart. Amazing song by Mayday Parade that I think tells it all.


**Hey, this was a side project I worked on. Please, if you read this, go look up the song Miserable at Best by Mayday Parade, that's the song I based this story on. I was listening to it the other day and it really captured their relationship over the summer. Castle thinking Beckett's with Demming and being all sad and depressed, well you can read it for yourself, and please listen to the song. =] I do not own the lyrics or Mayday Parade or Castle. Well without further ado, I give you, Miserable at Best. **

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Richard Castle looked down at his laptop screen, the blank word document staring back at him. He made faces at his reflection in the emptiness until something popped up on the screen, One new E-mail. He E-mailed Kate earlier that morning and had been waiting for her response all day. He procrastinated, thinking of anything he could do to delay writing and prolong thinking about the one thing he couldn't get out of his head, Kate Beckett. Rick knew that he had done the right thing, leaving for the summer, giving her the space both of them needed. That if he didn't he would never get his book done, and he'd go crazy watching her making googly eyes with Demming. He opened the E-mail and started reading,

_Hey Castle, _

_Everything has been good here. We just finished a case, but we couldn't catch him before he killed someone else, You probably could have figured it out, it was your kind of case. It just kills me knowing we couldn't save the other guy. Everyone here really misses you, the guys have been going crazy. Yeah, sure I am __so__ going to the club, no probably just staying home alone or doing some work. So how are the Hamptons and Gina? And your book, are you finally done yet? Well I have to say, it really isn't the same without you. I'll talk to you later. _

_Kate. _

It was killing her to pretend nothing was different between then. She knew it wasn't his fault, that he hadn't known she broke up with Tom and it wasn't as if he would wait for her forever. Yet, still her heart was aching to know he was in the Hamptons with another woman, a woman who he had been with before and loved.

Rick stared off into the New York skyline thinking about what Kate wrote to him. She was having trouble solving cases without him and it was hurting her.

_Katie don't cry, I know, you're trying your hardest, and the hardest part is, letting go of the nights we shared, Ocala is calling. _

He couldn't pretend he didn't miss her, he did. He loved Gina at one point in time, but he was different now, and Kate was the one who changed him. He couldn't talk with Gina about the things he talked with Kate about, and she wasn't the same, Gina was superficial and mean hearted, when he looked at her there wasn't the same feelings and emotions he got when he saw Kate. She was more to him now, nothing could change that.

_And you know it's haunting, but compared to your eyes, nothing shines quite as bright, and when we look to the sky, its not mine, but I want it so. _

But he had to let go, she was with Tom, _alone my ass, _he thought. She was with him, the man he should have fought harder against to get her. And Tom was loving him with all the love he should be giving her. He could give her everything she wanted, he could be everything she wanted. But he was to late, Tom was with Kate, his Kate.

_Lets not pretend like you're alone tonight, I know he's there and, you're probably hanging out and making nice, while across the room he stares, I bet he gets the nerve to walk the floor and ask my girl to dance, she'll say yes. _

He knew he should have said something sooner, but she was special. Kate wasn't just another bimbo he could take home for a one night stand. He had to do everything right, he couldn't scare her away, he loved her and he knew she wouldn't be comfortable. This was something they had to ease into, and hell, he wasn't very good with the "L word" either, but for her he could take the chance.

_Because these words were never easier for me to say, or her to second guess. But I guess. _

He'd just have to suck it up. Put on a happy face and pretend nothing was different. Pretend that his heart wasn't permanently sunken at the thought of someone else bringing her happiness. But he could do that for her, she deserved to be happy.

_I can live without you, but, without you I'll be miserable at best. _

_Kate, _

_That's awful, but I'm sure you did everything you could, I know you're the best, if you couldn't do it, no one could. I miss you too, and the guys, tell Honeymilk and Iceposito I say hey. Come on, go out and have some fun, do it for me. I have to be stuck in here finishing the book. Bring Demming with you, it'd be good for him to loosen up a tad. The Hamptons are fun, and Gina, well, she's no you. I'll be back soon, maybe we could get a burger? _

_Hope to hear from you soon. _

_Rick. _

He missed her, and yes he had to give her, her space and time with Demming, but who says he can't still be friends and still let her know that he cares about her. Because he did, he cared for her a great deal. He saved her life twice and hoped to make her part of his life one day. She was the second best thing that has ever happened to him and the most beautiful woman he's ever had the privilege to know, inside and out. She made him remember why he became a writer and made him feel like he had a real home and a family. Right now, he felt lost.

_You're all that I'd hoped I'd find, in every single way. And everything I could give, is everything you couldn't take. Because nothing feels like home, and you're a thousand miles away. And the hardest part of living, is taking the breaths to stay. Cause I know I'm good for something, I just haven't found it yet, but I need it. _

_And this will be the first time in a week that I'll talk to you and I can't speak. Been three whole days since I've had sleep cause I dream of his lips on your cheek. And I got the point that I should leave you alone but we both know that I'm not that strong and I miss the lips that made me fly. _

Kate and Rick stared at their computers, thinking of all the lost opportunities and missed chances. They realized the only thing they could do was to smile and go on with their lives together but apart. Always just a stolen glance away, but knowing they couldn't get what their hearts truly wanted.

_I can live without you, but without you I'll be miserable at best. _

Yet.


End file.
